Erotic Advent (2)

 For crimbo

I bought a silky pair of knicks

Pillar box red

Just like my Revlon lips

Feeling festive

I am out for Christmas Eve

Father Xmas?

Nah…I’m not one to believe

Upon my bed

I laid out the clothes

I shall wear

Then I heard bells

I did not know from where

From my window

I look up on my roof

That is when I see

A lot of tiny hooves

I am thinking

‘What in holy shit?’

Ho Ho Ho

The voice of St. Nick

Is this a joke?

Am I on ‘You’ve Been Framed’?

I better be good

Not swear or misbehave

I turn around

On my bed is a surprise

A little box

I cannot believe my eager eyes

A little note

‘I am sorry, but I’ve swapped…

You can have these

For I liked yours a lot’

I open the box

Taking out what is inside

My disdain

I honestly cannot hide

The biggest pair

Of Y fronts you have ever seen

I cannot wear them

God knows where they have bloody been

I rush to my window

I shout up to my roof

‘Hey St. Nick’

Stop being a bloody goof’

All I see

Is my red, silky knicks

His arse squeezed into them

I actually feel sick

Why why why?

What a rotten thing to do?

St. Nick

That is exactly why I don’t believe in you


Tinsel Tits


I’m going to bring the festivities on with glee

Behave without an inch of dignity

I’m going to sing and stand on a chair

With bauble earrings and glitter in my hair

I’m going to drink an awful amount of Spiced rum

More than likely, spend a lot of time on my bum

I want to eat a load of yummy scrummy chocs

Sprouts with bacon bits, nice, give me the trots

I want to play games with the kids on the Wii

Kick everyone’s ass at ten pin bowling…yippee!

Wearing my saucy Santa suit is always a hit

To add a bit of bling, I put tinsel on my tits

Dancing stupidly around in my kitchen

Like I said, dignity and inhibition, I’m ditching

Making silly home movies, to cringe at later

My Glo’shire accent, will say hi, just you wait errr!

I will proudly embarrass my kids with festive flair

From my 19 year old, I’ll no doubt get a deadly stare

I want to sing xmas songs and Auld Lang Syne

Probably make up my own words due to mulled wine

There will be the xmas spirit within the air

Not just because of the candles burning everywhere

I’m going to pop party poppers and make a big mess

Spray silly string EVERYWHERE and not get stressed

I want me and my family to have a damn good time

You may get to hear all about it with another rhyme!

2014 © K.B Mallion

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