This is a piece I posted on my old blog, it’s an early piece of poetry that I was going to rewrite but as I read through it I realised that although it doesn’t rhyme it was perfect more or less perfect. I have made some changes, of course I was going to after all as a writer and poet I have evolved so much and now I know it is perfect.

It’s not my usual subject, in fact it’s quite personal but if one person reads and knows they are not alone then opening myself up again will be worth it.

Anyhow I’ll leave you to read,

Much love,

S.J xxx

You arrived
Late but you were here
Should have been
A joyous occasion
Instead was filled
With trepidation

Taken from me
So weak you see
So tiny, so sick
I was left
Alone to panic
While they worked on you

Finally taken to see you there
Lying there in intensive care
Funny to me you were tiny
And yet the biggest there
Tubes and wires seeming to come from everywhere
Making me so scared

Alone in my room
Hearing others cry
My heart shattered
As I worried
I was going to
Lose you

Watching you
Day after day
So many tests
Infections and more
Getting better
Before seeing you improve

Finally home
Everyone there
Wanting to love
And fuss
Yet all I wanted
Was to be alone

The days went by
All was good
But then…
A darkness fell
Deep inside
And I didn’t want to know

Didn’t want to hold
Didn’t feel any love
Didn’t know what
Was wrong
Was I evil?
A bad mum even?

I put in a good act
Didn’t talk
Not a soul did I tell
Worried if I did
They would remove
My other babies from my care

Daily life
Was a struggle
Funny I wanted to be alone
Yet I craved visitors
As they would want to hold
And love you

On and on I struggled
The darkness getting stronger
Then I broke
Couldn’t sleep
Wrote a note
Saying goodbye

But I couldn’t do it
So note was hide
Until he asked
What was wrong
And the truth tumbled
From my lips

Tears scalding
As I explained
I didn’t love you
Or even want you
That I thought your life
Would be better without me

I gave him
The note
Watching as
His heart broke
The hurt in his eyes
As he began to realise

Just what I was feeling
What I was going through
We talked
He explained
I wasn’t evil
That it was something I could change

That was when
The change began
With a lot of help
A lot of support
I could see a glimmer
A little hope

It was hard
Good days
And bad
But slowly
I could hold you
Could feel the love

Each day
I got better, got stronger
Then one day
You took your first step
And a miracle happened
My heart filled with love

Now you are the best thing ever
My little man, my ddyn bach
Yes I know I smother
You with love
Guess that’s my way of making
Up for time that I lost

You make me laugh
And smile so very much
Bet you get sick of all the photographs
I feel my heart
Will explode
Just spending time with you

Yes I feel guilty
Maybe I always will
Yes I wish I could
Turn back the clock
But then I wouldn’t want
Our relationship to change

I can’t thank people enough
For being there
For standing by me throughout
My darkest days
Yes I still struggle sometimes
But know I know how to handle the dark

Thank you too
For being you
So loving
So adorable
So forgiving
But mostly for being my little man.

© S.J Warner 2014.
(Picture sourced from Pinterest)

End note – if you have read this and are going through the same thing just know there is hope and some fantastic support out there. You are NOT alone and you are NOT a bad person. Gain strength from my words and find someone to talk to, your partner, a friend, your doctor doesn’t matter who just do NOT go through this alone.

If you think you know someone who is going through this support them, be the shoulder, give them strength but most of all take the time to listen.

Thank you for reading

S.J xxx